Your boss asks if you’ve still got time to sort out one more thing, even though you’d planned to leave early today. You end up taking the minutes for the team’s weekly meeting again, even though you’d agreed to take turns. Out of the goodness of your heart, you take on a colleague’s task that they didn’t have time to do.
Saying ‘no’ can be scary if you’ve spent your whole life trying to please others. According to neuroscience researcher and coach Antonia Gergen, this feeling has a biological basis. The brain likes being able to predict things correctly.
‘If someone asks us for something, saying yes gives the situation a harmonious, predictable outcome. It gives us pleasure, a sense of a coherent identity and biological balance,’ says Gergen.
A negative response, on the other hand, creates conflict in the situation and the social relationship. Saying ‘no’ can feel difficult, as we fear the other person’s reaction. The brain interprets this as a threat, as one’s own group is important to a person.
– Groups make us behave in the same way, to go along with others. These are evolutionary ways in which we maintain social relationships and, through them, survive, says Gergen.
In modern life, however, speaking your mind does not lead to being cast out of the group. Instead, it is an essential skill for navigating human relationships.
Use your body to your advantage
The body can react to saying ‘no’ with intense stress. Your heart races, your voice freezes and you feel tense. Before setting boundaries, you can learn to calm your nervous system, for example through breathing exercises.
– You can breathe out and count to, say, eight, and breathe in while counting to four. This stimulates the vagus nerve and lowers your heart rate, Gergen suggests.
Another physical way to boost self-confidence and a sense of your own boundaries is through power poses.
Before a job interview or an important meeting, you could, for example, try to stand as tall as possible: arms outstretched or on your hips, chest out.
– These are postures seen, for example, in birds’ courtship displays. They provide internal feedback that I am strong and powerful, says Gergen.
Taking a moment to reflect helps you recognise your own needs
A people-pleaser can become someone who always automatically says “yes”. However, the identity of a doormat who agrees to everything is ill-suited to roles as an expert or executive.
– You can break the habit. In a situation where we’re asked to do something, we should stop and think for a moment about what we really think. It’s easier if it’s an email or a text message, says Gergen.
Recognising one’s own boundaries can be difficult if one has been used to ignoring them for years. A good place to start is by identifying situations where one’s own boundaries have previously been crossed, and using these to develop new ways of acting.
The pattern of chronic people-pleasing is usually learned in childhood. One way to unlearn it is to model a new approach.
– If there is someone in your circle who is really good at setting boundaries, it’s worth observing how they do it and what words they use. And adopt those habits for yourself, says Gergen.
Be a bolder version of yourself
The inner dialogue typical of a people-pleaser is often harsh and guilt-inducing. It can help to adopt an alter ego who is more self-assured than our true selves. Creating a bold professional persona can be particularly important for someone taking their first steps as a chef or in a new role.
– You could even come up with a nickname for your alter ego. Then you can have a ‘leader version’ of yourself and think that your own insecurities and negative inner dialogue are irrelevant in that context, says Gergen.
Once you’ve managed to apply your own bold alter ego to one situation, it becomes easier to extend it to other situations later on.